Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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