I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
