I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
