Dual....:-)
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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