my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
