I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
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