I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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