I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
