took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
