Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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