she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I still have a little drunk in my system
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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