Apparently you make a good broom.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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