I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
