I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"