I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ