I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
