Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
