Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
