is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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