I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
