Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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