Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
