I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
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He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
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I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.