Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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