Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
