today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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