There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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