I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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