Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
