My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
