You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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