Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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