Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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