No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
