so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
