i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
