Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
