Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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