you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
