everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
