I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
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Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
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Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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