I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
