one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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