This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
