it wasn't lemon gatorade
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Randomize
