I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
