So drunk its hurt
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
