I'm pants shitting drunk right now
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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