True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
