I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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