thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
