we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
