would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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