hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
