____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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