woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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