I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
