Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Still dying that you shit outside
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
