There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
