so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
