I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
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Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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